It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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