Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
