and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
