Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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