My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
How's work?
Spinning.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
