Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
