i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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