You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
