Best friends brother. Beat that.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
