I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
