he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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