she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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