my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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