Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
