After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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