you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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