I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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