it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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