These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
