i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
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If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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