my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
