I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
