I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I fill condoms, not promises.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
