guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
