I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
