My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
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