I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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