allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
