she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
