she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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