the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Send help, water and tortillas.
this is an emotional support booty call
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
