If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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