The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
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