I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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