I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
