standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
