All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
