Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
