Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I am available for nakedness
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
