You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
