party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
