please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
