We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
