I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
