i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
