my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
