oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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