Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
