just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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