Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
