i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
