Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
